My Story
My name is Crystal. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters. My first pregnancy was a difficult one. I was laid off from a high paying career when I was five months pregnant. After the lay off, it seemed I was in a downward spiral … I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and although I was able to control the diabetes through diet, my membranes ruptured at 34 weeks 2 days. I was admitted to the Antepartum Unit in the hospital and pumped full of drugs to stop labor. I was uneducated about the complications of pregnancy and was at the mercy of the many doctors caring for me. Not once did I receive an explanation as to what was going on and/or why certain decisions were being carried out. My daughter began to push through the meds at 34 weeks 6 days … the contractions began at 3pm and were 12 minutes apart gradually increasing to 5 minutes apart around midnight. The nurse thought that I was fine since I was still able to talk through my contractions, but I knew something was going on within my body. My Mom was there and told the nurse of my extremely high pain threshold and the nurse agreed to call the doctor to see if she could perform an exam. Much to all of our surprise, I was already 5cm dilated. It was a chaotic mad rush to get me transferred to Labor & Delivery … new bed, new room, new nurse. I was scared and requested an epidural right away even though the pain was still tolerable … I was afraid of what might come after this already difficult journey. I was given the epidural and told to get some rest. I slept on and off until the new nurse came in to check my progress. It was early morning and I was excited to know that I would soon be holding my daughter in my arms … but, scared as to how we would get there. Once I hit 9.5cm, I was feeling the urge to push, but the on-call doctor didn’t want to come in knowing that my MD and Midwife would be on rotation in less than an hour, so I was told not to push and was not allowed to move. An hour later when my Midwife arrived, she said it was time to push … she said she wanted me to try pushing even though baby had not yet dropped stations … I was so afraid of having a cesarean that I just remember closing my eyes and bearing down and pushing as hard as I possibly could … I pushed for a little over an hour and was absolutely exhausted … when my Midwife turned to grab the scissors to perform an episiotomy, I pushed … I pushed so hard that I tore … 3rd degree laceration … but, baby was here … my tiny 5lb 9oz baby girl had entered the world into a room full of nurses and the entire NICU team … I didn’t get to see or feel, emotionally or physically, anything during this birthing experience … I was too scared. My baby was crying and perfectly healthy, so the NICU team packed up and left and the nurses went to work on cleaning my daughter up while my Midwife sewed me back together. I was able to hold my daughter for about two minutes before they whisked her off to the nursery … I was not even given the chance to attempt to nurse her as she had to spend her first six hours in the nursery since she was born premature. I was never told that I could go down to the nursery to be with her or to attempt to nurse her during those six hours nor was I told of any of my other options … I just did as I was told by the hospital staff and finally got to have some snuggle time with my new baby six hours later. I didn’t know it at the time, but there were so many things that could have been done differently before, during, and after my daughter was born that could have made this rare lifetime experience so much more enjoyable for me and my family.
A year and a half later, I was pregnant with my second daughter. I swore that I would be more educated this time around and would do more things my way and I did. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I began the diabetic diet to be able to avoid unnecessary testing and complications later in the pregnancy. Little did I know how much maternal-fetal medicine had changed just in the two years since I gave birth to my first daughter. How could any one person do that much research during the course of one pregnancy? I denied all of the glucose testings because I knew I would fail and just continued to control my diet and monitor my blood sugar levels. As soon as I hit the third trimester, I was required to have additional testing due to the diabetic situation … NSTs two times a week and an AFI once a week. I passed the tests and requested on multiple occasions to stop the testing and was told no. I had a couple of scares with PreTerm Labor, which was to be expected after my first pregnancy, but this little one clung to the womb until 39 weeks 2 days when my water broke and contractions started almost immediately thereafter. During this pregnancy, I met a wonderful woman, we were actually trying to buy her house, and we became friends. She is a Labor Doula and was an endless source of knowledge and guidance and support for me. Although she was not MY Labor Doula, she made herself available by phone and via text the entire time for any questions that I had about anything. She put my mind at ease I don’t know how many times over the course of this pregnancy and after. At the time, I had no idea how much all of the information that she was trying to feed to me during this time could have drastically changed the outcome, had I been more willing to take matters into my own hands and make decisions for myself instead of allowing them to be made for me due to my lack of knowledge. When we arrived at the hospital, I immediately let the nurses know that I wanted everything ran by me and that I wanted very minimal medical intervention for this birth. We got checked in and hooked up to all of the necessary machines and whatnot. I wanted to hold off on an epidural for as long as possible, but with every contraction, I saw my husband’s face contorted in anguish from seeing me in pain … it made me tense and it made the contractions hurt worse … so, I requested an epidural at about 7cm. The rest of the labor was very calm and quiet … the nurse and my Midwife checked in on me periodically, doing exams to check my progress, and to ask if I was ready to push. I knew I was ready to push when I could actually feel my little one pushing off my ribs with her feet trying to get out. With every new contraction, I could feel her little feet at the top of my stomach trying to push her way out … I let the Midwife and nurse know that I was ready to push and with two pushes, she was in my arms … I still didn’t get to see or feel this birth the way that I wish I could have, but it was a much better experience than my first.
Within four weeks, PostPartum Depression had clearly taken a presence within our household. The breaking point for me was when my husband had to leave town for a day and a half for a job interview clear across the country. Between trying to potty train a defiant, jealous, new, big sister and caring for a needy, unrelenting newborn, I was exhausted. At about 10pm on the night my husband was to return, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I never wanted to hurt either of my children and I wanted them both to be cared for, I just did not want to be the one to do it. I left my crying newborn in her bassinet and closed the door, called my husband and told him to get home from the airport as soon as possible. Then, I sat on the couch and cried my eyes out. When he got home, I took a shower and just stood there … it was so nice to not have to hear a baby crying anymore … so nice to have a break, no matter how brief. The next morning, I relayed my feelings to my Mom, who then told my Dad, who then called my husband, who then came home from work. My Mom also called my Grandmother who came to stay with the girls while my husband and I went immediately to my OB to get the help I needed. It took some time to adjust, but I did. We did.
It is because of these experiences, that I have chosen to pursue my passion to empower women to become more active in their pregnancy and child birthing decisions. From my first pregnancy experience, it has since become so obvious to me that had I had an Antepartum Doula by my side to help me through my long days at the hospital and to explain to and inform me as to what was really going on, that I could have had a much better experience. And, from my second pregnancy, the little bit of Labor Doula that I did have was immeasurable, so I can only imagine how amazing the experience could have been had I actually had a Labor Doula by my side throughout the entire process. And, the troubles that I had with breast-feeding my first daughter because she was so tiny and because I had no clue as to what I was doing and the PostPartum Depression I had with my second daughter could have been easily helped had I had the help of a Postpartum Doula.
So, there you have it … my story and the reasons I have for becoming an Antepartum Doula, Labor Doula, and Postpartum Doula.
A year and a half later, I was pregnant with my second daughter. I swore that I would be more educated this time around and would do more things my way and I did. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I began the diabetic diet to be able to avoid unnecessary testing and complications later in the pregnancy. Little did I know how much maternal-fetal medicine had changed just in the two years since I gave birth to my first daughter. How could any one person do that much research during the course of one pregnancy? I denied all of the glucose testings because I knew I would fail and just continued to control my diet and monitor my blood sugar levels. As soon as I hit the third trimester, I was required to have additional testing due to the diabetic situation … NSTs two times a week and an AFI once a week. I passed the tests and requested on multiple occasions to stop the testing and was told no. I had a couple of scares with PreTerm Labor, which was to be expected after my first pregnancy, but this little one clung to the womb until 39 weeks 2 days when my water broke and contractions started almost immediately thereafter. During this pregnancy, I met a wonderful woman, we were actually trying to buy her house, and we became friends. She is a Labor Doula and was an endless source of knowledge and guidance and support for me. Although she was not MY Labor Doula, she made herself available by phone and via text the entire time for any questions that I had about anything. She put my mind at ease I don’t know how many times over the course of this pregnancy and after. At the time, I had no idea how much all of the information that she was trying to feed to me during this time could have drastically changed the outcome, had I been more willing to take matters into my own hands and make decisions for myself instead of allowing them to be made for me due to my lack of knowledge. When we arrived at the hospital, I immediately let the nurses know that I wanted everything ran by me and that I wanted very minimal medical intervention for this birth. We got checked in and hooked up to all of the necessary machines and whatnot. I wanted to hold off on an epidural for as long as possible, but with every contraction, I saw my husband’s face contorted in anguish from seeing me in pain … it made me tense and it made the contractions hurt worse … so, I requested an epidural at about 7cm. The rest of the labor was very calm and quiet … the nurse and my Midwife checked in on me periodically, doing exams to check my progress, and to ask if I was ready to push. I knew I was ready to push when I could actually feel my little one pushing off my ribs with her feet trying to get out. With every new contraction, I could feel her little feet at the top of my stomach trying to push her way out … I let the Midwife and nurse know that I was ready to push and with two pushes, she was in my arms … I still didn’t get to see or feel this birth the way that I wish I could have, but it was a much better experience than my first.
Within four weeks, PostPartum Depression had clearly taken a presence within our household. The breaking point for me was when my husband had to leave town for a day and a half for a job interview clear across the country. Between trying to potty train a defiant, jealous, new, big sister and caring for a needy, unrelenting newborn, I was exhausted. At about 10pm on the night my husband was to return, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I never wanted to hurt either of my children and I wanted them both to be cared for, I just did not want to be the one to do it. I left my crying newborn in her bassinet and closed the door, called my husband and told him to get home from the airport as soon as possible. Then, I sat on the couch and cried my eyes out. When he got home, I took a shower and just stood there … it was so nice to not have to hear a baby crying anymore … so nice to have a break, no matter how brief. The next morning, I relayed my feelings to my Mom, who then told my Dad, who then called my husband, who then came home from work. My Mom also called my Grandmother who came to stay with the girls while my husband and I went immediately to my OB to get the help I needed. It took some time to adjust, but I did. We did.
It is because of these experiences, that I have chosen to pursue my passion to empower women to become more active in their pregnancy and child birthing decisions. From my first pregnancy experience, it has since become so obvious to me that had I had an Antepartum Doula by my side to help me through my long days at the hospital and to explain to and inform me as to what was really going on, that I could have had a much better experience. And, from my second pregnancy, the little bit of Labor Doula that I did have was immeasurable, so I can only imagine how amazing the experience could have been had I actually had a Labor Doula by my side throughout the entire process. And, the troubles that I had with breast-feeding my first daughter because she was so tiny and because I had no clue as to what I was doing and the PostPartum Depression I had with my second daughter could have been easily helped had I had the help of a Postpartum Doula.
So, there you have it … my story and the reasons I have for becoming an Antepartum Doula, Labor Doula, and Postpartum Doula.
